I went through a lot today energy-wise. This morning, I started to feel restless. In my mind I knew that if my room was clearer (things put away) I wouldn't feel as on edge, but I also knew that it was the last thing I wanted to do and, well, there were a few other things I wanted to take care of first. Like eating breakfast. So, I ate. Then I tried to be creative again, but the wheels were still blocked. So then I changed up my scenery. I went and played the piano for a bit. But even that was a struggle. Trying to follow the notes on the page and be patient enough to work my way through a piece, it was too much, but I did like hearing the piano make sound, so I essentially just smashed the keys. Whatever I felt like. All the chaotic dissonant sounds that would resolve... however, the dissonant sounds almost sounded more soothing to my brain, so I would return. Sliding my finger up and down the keyboard, I did glissandos and then I would do eight part harmonies with wherever my hands hit. My favorite sound was ascending and descending thirds in the right hand all on the white keys and in the left hand an octave lower just one note lower than the note my right thumb was playing. The dissonance was so satisfying. After that, the energies were still bouncing around inside me, and I quickly decided to take a walk. It helped that the temperature was still fairly low, so I hopped out and grabbed my keys and my bike (because I didn't want to be too far out and then not have the energy to get back) and I took my bike for a walk :D

I have learned a lot about sharing things that I have created and the thing sticks out to me the most right now is that it's hard to share things that haven't been finished at least once. If I have no pictures that I had drawn to completion, I couldn't share as easily my half finish sketches. They would have no power or promise of becoming complete, and some of my sketches are not readable on their own. It's fun to see the process, but if the process never completes, then I find it difficult to allow others to view it.I love that I learned that. And I will continue to create. Not everything needs to be put into the public eye, just some things that I want to share. Granted, right now, I do feel like I'm sharing a lot of my stuff on Patreon, but even so, I still have to get to a good complete thought before I can share.

The trust in myself wavers.

Nothing I do seems to matter right now. I'm trying my best to just not fall apart. I went home early from work because I started getting panicky and emotional. Not in a safe state to drive, and I had very little motivation to continue. even right now it's happening... I'm getting droopy and my arms muscles want to stop engaging. My breath is becoming more ragged and my eyes are unfocusing. I've tried everything. Well, everything I can think of. I even reached out to a therapist. but that was terrifying, and the responsibility that comes with that made me want to run away and shut down even more. 

I've got my own way of doing things, of overcoming challenges. Even if I don't feel like it's the coolest or the best or even the most powerful, it's mine. At the risk of sounding cheesy... which sure, I am definitely cheesy sometimes but being genuine to what's inside of me is all I need. 

Woodchips… pokey pokey – ping

I'm feeling very self conscious about what I have put out on social media so far. It's so.... cringe. I'm so cringe 😫