Nothing I do seems to matter right now. I'm trying my best to just not fall apart. I went home early from work because I started getting panicky and emotional. Not in a safe state to drive, and I had very little motivation to continue. even right now it's happening... I'm getting droopy and my arms muscles want to stop engaging. My breath is becoming more ragged and my eyes are unfocusing. I've tried everything. Well, everything I can think of. I even reached out to a therapist. but that was terrifying, and the responsibility that comes with that made me want to run away and shut down even more.
I don't know what's going on. I want to have answers. I'm sure there are people out there that understand. I'm not currently on any medication... but I have been in the past... and maybe I should be now.
I want to function and do all the things, but my body right now... the only thing it wants to do is melt into a goopy mushy puddle with no brain no thoughts and no responsibility. Not for myself not for anyone else.
I feel like the heat triggered it... maybe it was the month of june... upcoming father's day? Reminders that I'm a terrible human being and can't do anything right. My existence in this world...
I don't know. It's really hard to see why I'm here, what I'm doing or what impact I will have even just right now.
I may never have a forever partner. I may never have children. I may never.... Okay... I'm making myself cry so I need to get onto a different topic.
I want to pursue my dreams and ambitions. I want to become an author. I want to tackle the difficult challenges and wrestle with the existential questions. I want to be remembered for my thinking outside the box, for my portrayal of real human emotions. Cause I have them. And they're definitely real. (And sometimes really stupid :P) ((not like in the way that they aren't smart or necessary, but just that they are unwanted in the given moment))
So yeah. My question to the universe right now is how do I not fall apart when I can't see a clear way to keep myself together.
Is it okay to fall apart?
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